from a mamas perspective

A week ago I knew very little about MRIs, hearing loss, infectious disease and especially CMV. We basically tested Hannah for CMV to rule it out, not find a diagnosis.

We've gone through every emotion from extreme saddness and fear to anger and hope. I have to say that Thanksgiving weekend was the longest weekend of my life. A doctor should never deliver this news on a Friday afternoon with little information and instructions to just "wait until Monday". Our minds went crazy. 

By the time Monday came I was actually glad to see Keith leave for work so we could stop talking about it. And of course with 2 little ones my mind went to feeding and playing cars and rocking to sleep and watching curious george. And when they would both nap. Fear crept in. 

I believe the only thing that is holding us up right now is the prayers of the saints. 

Honestly, Hannah has been a challenging baby from the start. I actually wrote an entire blog post about how bad colic is when she was about a month old (that I never published) which seems pointless now. We don't know and may never know if those symptoms were CMV related or just colic. So far every doctor thinks they are separate. 

I never wanted this blog to go here. I just wanted it to share about life. Kids growing up, holidays, first days of school but not grief and a sick child. But, maybe that's what The Lord wanted. This is all part of the broken world we live in. 

As I started out saying, you never know what you can handle until you have to. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely hanging on, but that's when I must cling to Christ. 

A wise friend told me "when you look into the future and think about "what may happen" or "worse case senarios" you are picturing a future without God." I don't know the plans for Hannah's life but I am blessed to be a part of the story and see how The Lord ordains every step. 

If you're still reading thanks for staying with me. I know this has been an array of thoughts but I wanted to write them down and share a little from my heart. 

Thank you for praying for our girl. With anti-viral medicine prescribed we now wait to see how it attacks the virus in her brain and ears over the next 6 months. We are trusting The Lord for complete healing but, as Keith said, we must hold health loosely and watch to see how The Lord writes Hannah's story.