Anger

It's a strong emotion. 

One few people like to admit they have a problem with. One that is kept away in public and explodes in private. 

Anger. 

I have been struggling with it lately. I'm not angry at one particular person or situation all the time, but when I let my guard down and don't cling to Jesus ugliness come out. 

I'm angry that my daughter has CMV and won't sleep. I'm angry when my 3 year old won't listen and disobeys. I'm angry that (in my limited perspective) we just can't seem to catch a break. 

I want my old life back. Well, I guess I do. I probably just want the life I "imagine" I want. You've heard all the clichés, the grass is always greener, blah, blah, blah. 

I have noticed that I get more angry when I have little time by myself, with the Lord, to refocus. I need to take a step away from my family to love them more. Of course this does not always happen and there are days I think nap time will never come. 

But it does. 

I've started reading a book by Paul Miller entitled A Loving Life. This book goes through the story of Ruth and explains in great detail her devotion to Naomi. Ruth left all she knew to love, support, comfort and just be there for Naomi. Whether Naomi wanted her or not, she was there. 

There is a lot from the book that applies to my life and the situation with Hannah, but this quote really struck me. 

"Ruth’s walk through the city gates, ignored and unthanked, vividly portrays the cost of love. Ruth bears the weight of Naomi’s life. We usually recoil from the cost of love, thinking it is an alien substance, but it is the essence of love. This is strangely encouraging because when the pressure of love builds, we think that somehow we showed up for the wrong life. This isn’t what we signed up for. But no,this is the divine path called love."

Some of my anger is steming from my selfishness--this is not what I signed up for. I think this quote helps me to look at love in a new light. Why I do what I do. 

I think this post needed to be written for my own sake. To put down how I'm feeling instead of just letting it twist and turn in my head. 

This is my life. I want to live it to the fullest, but I need more lessons in love. Reading about sacrifice like Ruth displayed for Naomi and the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus paid for us show me that I can do this life even if I don't always feel like it. 

Love bears all things,

believes all things, 

hopes all things, 

endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:7